I have only just seen the ad as I do not watch television, so please forgive me for being so behind the times. Now, I am not usually a defender of advertising, Probably comes with the commie territory. But having watched it on Youtube, I found it most endearing and quite funny. That is quite depressing in a way because on the few occasions I have watched television at my cousins house, I have sat resolutely po faced at Never Mind The Buzzcocks, Mock the Week, at anything Noel Fielding has ever said and as I have already commented on an earlier blog post, Touch Me I'm Karen Taylor. The fact that a 31 second tv ad can make me laugh while the latest in "comedy" cannot, reinforces my cast iron belief that modern television is mostly shit and you can stuff it. I could not however, even at my most curmudgeonly fail to laugh at the tough Noo Yawk Deli Man gesturing to himself and gruffly demanding "hey, ain'tchoo forgetting sum'in?" Come on, that's funny.
So what in the name of Satan's buttock sweat were people thinking when they complained? What bloody relevance did their complaint have? I do not mean how dare people find two blokes having a little peck on tv, I know people get their knickers in a twist about that. To be honest I think that has less to do with an ideological defence of the family or a deep seated revulsion for homosexuality. It certainly has sweet fuck all to do with "the children". I think it has everything to do with the "ew gross" attitude of people who see two blokes kissing, find it personally distasteful in that very childish way and want to make damned sure they never see it again.
I cannot play the holier than thou card here. The first time I ever saw gay pornography I knew that while same men are fanciable indeed, I knew the whole man on hairy man action was not my thing at all. I was alright while watching them missing the pink and potting the brown but the kissing... no, can't say I'm a fan. I suppose that makes me a hypocrite because I've snogged men meself. I thought I'd give it a go, but it's all stubble and aftershave and seems (in my mind and libido at least) an interesting fantasy but not my preferred way of spending an afternoon. I cannot believe however that the act would so scarring that it would leave children up down the country traumatised and dumbstruck. For one thing, is that unusual to see men kiss each other? I know the preferred method of male bonding is the awkward hand shake and a hesitant pat on the back but at some point, on very special occasions this does sometimes break down, surely? Well it does in my family anyway. And footballers kiss and hug each other when they score goals. I wonder how many football matches faced being banned from tv because Michael Owen planted on Beckham's cheek after he scored a screaming free kick in an England match. Actually given the paucity of scoring opportunities from England this is probably a moot point.
Okay so you could argue that kissing is one thing; this was a representation of "alternative family" life. Right but again there are precedents. Years and years back on eastenders there was that poncy bloke and his wide boy boyfriend Barry. They kissed on screen. The world did not crumble around their ears, butch Brut wearing casuals did not suddenly ditch their girlfriends and weekends of 10 beers and a stripper down the local boozer with the lads... for well, the lads, so to speak. Eastenders carried on as normal. Oh I daresay someone got their knickers in a twist over it mind you. Having read an article about the ad (which is how I got to see it) I understand that there are gay characters in both Emmerdale and Corrie.... so the ad may have been squeezed between these two shows then. Two shows in which presumably the characters have not be fired or the shows pulled. Again though, it is likely that people go arse over tit about those characters as well.
Okay so people get het up about all sorts of silly nonsense. On one level I think well so what. Everyone needs a hobby. If their hobby is being a prick, then okay. I am not perfect, I probably harbour less than wholesome thoughts about all sorts of people. That is to say, I do. When you consider things like an impending war in Iraq, the Labour government, etc. It is all small potatoes I suppose. It's annoying to think people don't have a sense of humour but then some people think Karen Taylor and Ali G are funny. To them it is me that doesn't have a sense of humour. Its also mildly irritating to note that people don't get the bloody ad in the first place. The point of it is not look at the gay family, the point of it is that having this mayo is like having a New Yawk Deli in your house. Or something. Alright so it may have been a bit clumsily done but jeez it's an ad, it's not Chekov. The finest minds of our generation are not working on making Heinz products more attractive. At least I hope not. If they are, the 21st century is worse than I thought.
What really irritates me is that apparently it took 200 people to get the ad pulled. 200. Thousands of people marched in Birmingham to save the Rover plant at Longbridge. The government could have stepped in, listened to what is franly their natural instinctive voters. They did not. Thousands marched in my home town to save Vaxhall. Same. Millions of people marched against the Iraq war and it didn't matter a toss. But TWO HUNDRED FUCKING PEOPLE GET AN AD PULLED BECAUSE IT OFFENED THEIR TINY IMMATURE MINDS. THE CUNTS. That's how fucked society is, that's what a shit nation we live in and that's our shittty democracy. Because it's all about fucking marketing and profit and shitty fucking mayonnaise. My mind absolutely boils. It fills me with nameless apoplexy to think that on such a trivial matter 200 sad sorry bastards just had to cock their little finger to change something for us all. On one level it is pretty tiny. It is just an ad. But commentators have long banged on about the power of the media and it's control. Some control. The spineless bastards pissed their pants because there would be 200 less people less inclined to buy their cunting mayo.
Maybe I am focusing on the wrong thing. It is equally sad to think that while we're doing much better, anti gay bigotry is still virulent in some quarters. The poor lad who was attacked for being gay earlier this week is testament to that. Yet the overriding thought for me is that I cannot help but think that something is broken somewhere when on the big questions no one in power listens, but some bastard ad executive bends over backwards to soothe the ruffled feathers of a few twats.
And to those 200 people I can only say look, on this matter alone I would never be a friend, acquaintance, lover or work colleague of yours. You may all be otherwise charming, delightful sweet and generous people. But that tiny, petty stupid little thing you did taints your soul. It's like realising that while Elvis was gyrating his hips and giving you that smouldering look while singing "you ain't nothin' but a hound dog" he had skids in his underpants.
